Loosing my mind just to find a place in your mind.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

i couldn't fix that problem i'm having on my dam fucking blog ):

yeah, the thoughts of you creeped up my mind again & again & again. i tried to just concentrate on whatever i'm doing but i have the tendencies to think of you every now & then. i really don't have any determination on WHY! . (: i know it has been a mth & counting, everything seems to be going well coz maybe just maybe, you've seen me with a smile hanging around my face when i walk pass your house or my estate coz i need to catch a bus for my journey to some where. OR your friend told you how happy was i when he saw me in parkway, reason being i was laughing & talking to my friends & yada yada.

All this were just part & parcel of life u know? i mean who wants to see a grumpy ass hole walking round our estate just coz her boyfriend broke up with her & it made her seem like the world fell upon her & she wants the whole dam world to know that?! NO RIGHT?! yes, there's a certain point of time when i was really happy urm am really happy? well , that's when i am with my friends... close friends who has shared so much with me. all the others was just... something i have to accept i guess? walking home , passing your house... won't make me smile, you know? well probably if i smiled, it was jsut an act an act to tell myself that yes, u've loved me before & we shared something thru our life. i told myself i should be happy that we met. yeah ... & i had to show you i was getting on with life well without you ,therefore, all that i can do is,, smile smile smileeee.

who knows? it was so difficult. so difficult that it eats up into my life. i pushed all thoughts of you away from my life... journey to school, back home, when i'm out & pass your house. whatever okay ? i just tried too hard to do whatever i want to do. all i wanted to protray was :" J, i'm getting on well with life without you & i dn't need no man like you.. motherfucker!" but i really can't ... i'm gettin dwn on my knees which i promised i wont, i'm telling you this:" J, thou , it has been a mth & counting... but i still can't get you off the mind of mine & i always think of you... i thought i protrayed everything i wanted to , now, i'm telling you, however strong i stand infront of your eyes, behind it... that's the soft part of me where i break down & cry. i said i'll laugh everyhthing off, yeah ... deep inside me i know, i still have the affections for you & no words of yours will bring/ take away the love i have for you, still. no words will be able to discribe how much i still feel for you."

i admit i was such a bitch. & still am one to think of you after everything you have put me thru. you made me notice what was real pain, real pain that cuts into me. real pain that makes me wana die but can't .i still have memories of you circling round & the voice of yours just won't go away.

maybe, you're happily clubbing or sleeping... or spending time with your new girlfriend, having sex, & forgetting who i am ... what we were...well. i know you won't find your way to my blog.. really. i know you're that ever so dumb one...):

i still remeber the smell of yours & most probably, everytime the same scent go pass my nose i'll just say your name out:" smells like..." i guess, somehow angela hunny & nessa darhling got irritated. coz they want me to forget you ... they want me to move on with life, they want... they want... they want the best for me. (:

i'm half way there but i couldn't do it fully... really. i don't know why. i used to get over every guy i break up with easily... just one, two three days? okay maybe... weeks. the most ... three weeks? you took me a month & counting... the impact that you have inserted into my life. how much i love you...& how much i've taken & given in this r/s. i know you don't care well ... it shows. u couldn't care more or less... you cried, i cried... you cried coz you wana gian smth for me? i cried coz i cldn't beleive anything you said. i'm sorry. but till now, i still

cnt believe it.

i know you asked me or rather, you want me to forget & get on with life... maybe, that's why you din talk to me or smth. but.. to tell you the truth.... loving someone so deeply, saying forget so easily...isn't as easy.

i'm always dreaming of the day when you'll come back, tell me you're sorry & how much i mean to you. i want me back in those arms that holds me so tight, those hands that touch my hair & tell me... :" i'm just touching your hair coz it;s softr then my dog's fur" aww. ): dreams never come true?

i still have tht valentine's day present i wanted to give you... i guess...

why is reality so hard.

-nics-

YAs reality is crashing to the floor.

Paint a portrait of you & I-;

~~You get older & blame becomes to shame.~~
Would you still love me if i was spastic, crazy, mad or...whatever?

I love starbucks with bestfriends. i love my family, bestfriends, friends & i love my boyfriend.

I'd love to experience everything in life. Try whatever seems crazily fun or stupid.

I don't live life to the fullest sometimes but to me, life seems like a movie. Everything happens so fast, ends so fast but at the same time, there're so many people in life that you treasure & never want to leave. i've never been perfect in my life. never once. i've never done anything exceptionally good however, i've got the perfect friends in life. i've got a beautiful boyfriend & i thank God for everything i've came pass.

I can be very crude, retarded & stupid at times.

I'm a mean bitch, whore, cunt whatever you want to call me if you make my blood boil. I wouldn't acknowledge you on the streets if you did something to insult my friends & i. Infact, i'll probably hate you for life for what you did. Yes, very much HATE.

Chains;

Tender Words-;