Loosing my mind just to find a place in your mind.

Monday, April 09, 2007

i had a gastric pain this morning (darius & kals knows y) & didn't manage to go to sch. Instead of staying at home, i headed to give the doctor a visit since mum insisted... so, she brought me there & went to novena church after that. Her reason for going to church was because i didn' attend church services or whatever on friday, sat & sun. ): novena church's the best church ever. really. i love the peace it give me... just simply soothing.

so, you strike off a conversation with me through msn by questioning how was life. All that i could bring about was to tell you that i'm fine though i was breaking on the inside when all those memories played back consistently. i'm sorry i just couldn't be myself because i knew if i'd told you i still think of you & intermittently, i miss the flavour of the rim of your lips rub against mine so gently, the conversation will be edgy for you & i.

i've asked myself countless times when will you ever talk to me again or, when will i have the courage to talk to you... when will i...when will...when.. etc. i wasn't expecting anything from you after that arduous break up you got me into, neither did i expect you to ever approach me & ask bout my life.

i thought that i could come talk/chat with you whenever i felt ready. But, my friends said no, no to everything that has anything to do with you. i didn't distinguish why until yesterday night.

You, somehow brighten up my mood for a little while, after that "little while", when i really gazed back, i felt very crummy bout it. you, you, you!!! You & all your crap, all those shit & the r/s we had, blanked the entire mind of mine like a piece of white paper. coz, everything was clear to me. i knw that you wldn't come back again.. even if you want to, i'd rather memories stay as it is. ; dnt spoil the aspect i still have for you.

Knowing all this doesn't end those misses or longings for you to take back all that you've said, i wished i could turn back time, really, really turn it back. change the fact that we met or the r/s we had. the pain of not being able to be honest bout my thoughts cuts deeper into the misses i have for you. ):

i know it's not your fault ... & i wldn't put the blame, shame & scarlet letter squarely on those shoulders of yours.

on the other hand, thou the knife cuts deep, i'm glad that you've talked to me. how contradicting? i dn't know. will you call this love? when you've done smth bitter to me yet i forgave & love you like before even if you dnt feel the same bout me already. i won't hold those grudges coz, nobody's perfect.

[ To you: Y i'm happy for you being able to pass your sem 2 & not get kicked out. (: work hard but dn't stress yourself out. & i'll study hard, dn't worry.

By reading all this past posts & all i guess, you'll be able to estimate how much of time i;ve spent missing him. you'll notice howlong it has been... well not forgetting who he was to me. For his real name, only angela hunny & nessa darling knows...

[ : angela & nessa.

Thanks for being there always, to guide me, comfort me or just sit there & listen to the heart beats (: i realised why i'm nt supposed to start a convo with him. Thinking bout him hurts but, chatting with him hurts worst. Thanks for protecting me, walking beside me etc. there's sooo much things you guys've done for me ((: . i'll always be a phone call/ sms away frm you both only, i made an oath that nth'll break us aprt & i'll be here always to led a shoulder for you to lean on, hands for you to cling on or my leg for you to brk ((: not forgetting those ears!

i love you both! YYY

gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

-nics-

Labels: Coz i know, nth'll be the same again (:

YAs reality is crashing to the floor.

Paint a portrait of you & I-;

~~You get older & blame becomes to shame.~~
Would you still love me if i was spastic, crazy, mad or...whatever?

I love starbucks with bestfriends. i love my family, bestfriends, friends & i love my boyfriend.

I'd love to experience everything in life. Try whatever seems crazily fun or stupid.

I don't live life to the fullest sometimes but to me, life seems like a movie. Everything happens so fast, ends so fast but at the same time, there're so many people in life that you treasure & never want to leave. i've never been perfect in my life. never once. i've never done anything exceptionally good however, i've got the perfect friends in life. i've got a beautiful boyfriend & i thank God for everything i've came pass.

I can be very crude, retarded & stupid at times.

I'm a mean bitch, whore, cunt whatever you want to call me if you make my blood boil. I wouldn't acknowledge you on the streets if you did something to insult my friends & i. Infact, i'll probably hate you for life for what you did. Yes, very much HATE.

Chains;

Tender Words-;