Loosing my mind just to find a place in your mind.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Dad.

papa called. an awkward silence fell between us & i really do not know what's going on his mind lately. everything seems so fine when i spoke to him few days ago. i'm sure mama won't tell me what's going on neither will papa coz, well...feasibly, they assume that thre isn't any point for me to know since worrying does not help them at all.

i tried asking him why but, he said nothing... nothing at all, gave a fake laugh then asked bout my day. My days are always fine dad, if you'll just look closely, what isn't fine is that you're not doing enough talking to me nowadays. we agreed totally on talking but, looks like, it isn't working you know? coz, it's either you are too busy with work or i am just not in the talking mood. there're so many things i want to tell you. Stuff like how i think bout school, life here with you working yoru head off there & sold on. you've never seen me breaking down coz you weren't there But, if you'd realise... i've already seen you cry for over 2 times. i saw dad, i really saw. i'm not as strong as what i seem on the outside, i'm still that girl who cries coz mama said i can only have a chip when i'm done with my homework. i still cry, dad. over small stuff. I wished you were here to ask me why & what's wrong. coz for all those thoughts that runs through my mind every night, there'll be at least a moment when i'll be asking myself what's dad doing.

With this fifteen years when you come & go so fast i could barely catch up, i feel the unfinished piece of me adding on to the pain life has inserted in. you told me you were working coz of this family. yeah, but i feel the unfinish-ness of this family when you're not there. when you're not in pictures of mine. when you weren't by myside to explain things.

If everything isn't fine, talk to me. even if you don't se it, you know i'll support you no matter what . Promise me we'll do more talking.

_______________________________________________________

Baby.

i love you for who you are , the way you... ... ... . i couldn't finish what i wanted to say coz the phone clicked & went dead. The previous call was you asking for the answer to your question but i didn't answer it at all. you kept asking & asking but it just din fall out of my mouth. understand, it was so sudden i'm unable to put it in nice words, phrase it in a better way inorder for it to come out of my mouth. it's not that i do not want to tell you sweetheart. It's trhat i do not know how to phrase it in better words coz, if i've said everything out, it'll be in a huge chunk of mess taking up some time. i knew what i wanted to say... just din know how to phrase it in a better, shorter way.

&, when i finally wanted to tell you, you just told me off by saying you're tired , i should be tired too ... with that, both of us should go to bed. i held you back as badly as i could, as long as i could jsut to tell you the words i want to tell you but, you insisted on sleeping. after hanging up, i thought it through, again & again till i decided to ring you up coz i wanted to tell you so badly. i succeeded in quarter of it till you fell aslp on the phone...

giving me a msg in the morning asking me why did i call when you said you din wana hear it anymore. i understood how irritated you were when you asked me & no answer came out but when you said you din need it anymore, i all just falls out. i know, i know. but ... do you know how the feeling was when i din know how to phrase it all out but wanted to tell you so badly & when i finally got it, you said you do not need it anymore? it's like solving a math qus for quite sometime & when you finally got the ans wanting to write it down on the test pad, your teacher says time is up.

B, please understand that no matter what you ask, your qus will be answered at the end of the day.

-nics-

YAs reality is crashing to the floor.

Paint a portrait of you & I-;

~~You get older & blame becomes to shame.~~
Would you still love me if i was spastic, crazy, mad or...whatever?

I love starbucks with bestfriends. i love my family, bestfriends, friends & i love my boyfriend.

I'd love to experience everything in life. Try whatever seems crazily fun or stupid.

I don't live life to the fullest sometimes but to me, life seems like a movie. Everything happens so fast, ends so fast but at the same time, there're so many people in life that you treasure & never want to leave. i've never been perfect in my life. never once. i've never done anything exceptionally good however, i've got the perfect friends in life. i've got a beautiful boyfriend & i thank God for everything i've came pass.

I can be very crude, retarded & stupid at times.

I'm a mean bitch, whore, cunt whatever you want to call me if you make my blood boil. I wouldn't acknowledge you on the streets if you did something to insult my friends & i. Infact, i'll probably hate you for life for what you did. Yes, very much HATE.

Chains;

Tender Words-;