Monday, October 01, 2007 all that's left was his stone cold body lying on that hospital bed. Doctor said he passed off just like that...just like that. It ain't a biggie to everyone in the hospital especially the doctors for they see people passing almost every other day & this is nothing special. however, to the family whom which he saw grow day by day, it was devastating enough to have everyone stop whatever that they're doing, visit the hospital hoping that there's still a drop of hope from seeing him conciously lying on the bed telling everyone he's okay...
That's just another dream everyone wants to have when they know bout their love one passing off. I still couldn't accept the reality of not having him in the house anymore. coz.. Every year during my decemebr holidays i'd love to visit the country where i was born to see how he was doing. without fail on every of my birthday, he'll tell me how much i've grown & how pretty i am... But, i guess... all those would only be a voice in my head. Afterall, it's already a fact that he passed off peacefully. & that's for time to come to have me believe it.
Everyone was sulking, crying... everything when they heard bout the news. For me, i couldn't cry. the pain was so deep that crying was not enough to show how much of grief i'm in. it was emotionally painful that physical pain doesn't matter more. (:
Those who stood by me telling me to pray for him & all, thanks for being there. esp ange hunny & nessa darling. i'll hang there for the both of you. i love you so much & i guess whatever that you've said to me, like me being the 0only one to keep whatever's that beating... was true enough.
To you:
N:" B, would you leave me?"
C:"no, why are you so insecured now?"
Do you see the reason why i feel so insecured now?
your actions were the opposite of your words. you said no... your actions just said yes. it's ironic sometimes. So, are you gonna leave me just like that after everything that we've shared? "yeah.. probably"" why? coz... you can't juggle your girlfriend & army stuff & studies together. It's not bout me being unable to handle such stuff in a r/s ... you're the one. I don't know ...i received that message this morning when i wake. i saw it, i closed my eyes & every memory of us fell back into place. was it mere coincidence that we met? or was it fate? was everything we shared nothing but just a burden to you? all this months that we've spent together, i've never regreted any moment with you... i hope you'll feel the same too. i'm sorry i don't have pretty faces or a gorgeous body like how those girls in the clubs have. All i have at this moment is... a heart that used to beat for you till you threw it back to me. I hope you'll re-consider everything that you've said to me. i still could recall what you said when we were together for the very first day... could you? i was so thankful to have you around me to withstand whatever that i've put you through. i guess, you just couldn't take it anymore. but, i'll never understand why must you do this to me now & not before. why must you tell me no yet show me a yes. i can't do anything if you want to leave... mum told me if i really loved someone, i'll let him go. i wouldn't go down on my knees & tell you how much i'm needing you now. well, it's all coz, if i did go down on my knees, & if you did come back... so what?
why don't you stand outside the circle to have a clearer view on stuff? don't just think of yourself... think of me too. i'm just a human. nothing more than that.
You know i couldn't bare to leave, couldn't bare to end it. coz no matter what happens, you knw i'm there. you know...
love , nic.
For those whom told me in the past how much it wasn't worth the tears... (:
YAs reality is crashing to the floor.
I love starbucks with bestfriends.
i love my family, bestfriends, friends & i love my boyfriend.
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I'm a mean bitch, whore, cunt whatever you want to call me if you make my blood boil.
I wouldn't acknowledge you on the streets if you did something to insult my friends & i. Infact, i'll probably hate you for life for what you did. Yes, very much HATE.